I Am Not Your Negro

2/12/21 11:30AM

Happy Friday and Happy Black History Month.

I think it's time for a tone shift. I'm feeling angry for this entry. But I think that's a good thing. One of my favorite quotes, like the title of this entry, is from James Baldwin: "To be black and conscious in America is to be in a constant state of rage."

I've been trying to reaffirm to myself this year that feelings are neither "right" nor "wrong"; they just are, like colors of the rainbow, and anger is one of them. Nothing to be ashamed or judgmental about, like "I'm an angry person", it just is, an ephemeral feeling. It's uncontrolled anger--rage--that is problematic, and it's problematic precisely for the lack of control. An individual cannot choose feelings, but they can choose how they respond to feelings. In the case of two recent incidents, think I've been making better choices lately.

1) I checked into a popular podcast for the first time in forever out of boredom, and was quickly reminded of why I had stepped away from it when I heard a terribly race-ignorant take. The middle-aged white male podcast guest talked about his immigrant background and terrible Soviet Union history like a child's parents being killed for "treason" and the kid being orphanzed/ostracized as a "traitor child", and how "Americans don't know how bad things can get and what that's like".

Then I reflected on how it's black history month and reflected on everything black people have been through in America like slavery and Jim Crow and lynchings and thought...... yep, he's 10000% right. 🙃

Because you know, black Americans aren't Americans I guess. Nope, "Americans don't know what that's like". The Autobiography of Malcolm X totally doesn't exist.

I immediately turned it off and started working on this site again.

2) I was very angry earlier this week when my next door neighbor informed me that he had surveillance of somebody stealing a package from his front porch, and the thief was spotted talking to someone I just rented to. As someone who has had bad experiences renting to people in the past--from being lied to in my face about floodings and having my own family members threatened with weapons, and also as a person who succumbs to rage sometimes--I first lost it. My mind immediately jumped to the worst conclusions, thinking that the kind and respectful image this person had portrayed to gain the rental was a deception, and this was their "mask off" moment...that I was yet again "naive" and "stupid" and too-trusting and let an immoral person rent my property.

Then I checked myself. I actively sought to remove emotion and not assume anything, no matter what my own angry/scarred ego was telling me. I sought ego-death, because my ego was screaming at me "Look Sean, you were too trusting again, it's happening all over again, you're being betrayed/lied to/hurt like all those other people did before, get angry and attack!"

But I said "No".

Because you can never retract a hurtful, frivolous accusation or attack, no matter how much your ego convinces you that you are "correct".

So I assumed nothing, and approached the person with dispassionate politeness like "Help me understand this footage, please. What do you see?"

Turns out, the thief the person was with was a random mover that was only here for that one day, that the rentee has no actual relationship with. They were just as confused as my neighbor, and they also felt betrayed that a random mover would do such a thing and compromise their own image, and said they planned to confront the person themselves.

So see, instead of succumbing to my ego and going into self-righteous accusing/attack mode, I approached with kindness and understanding. And the person themselves said they really appreciated that.

As insignificant as that might seem, I consider that a big psychological victory for me. I felt the emotion of anger, I felt my ego run wild, but after that I made a choice. If I had acted impulsively, all pure ego and "Look what you did to me!", I could've destroyed a relationship. You can always calm yourself down from an initial raw reaction to process your feelings, but you can never retract terrible words/accusations.

I used to feel upset that other people who I previously held in high regard wouldn't/couldn't afford me that same courtesy when I needed it, and instead accused/attacked me for perceived slights I had no idea about, triggering confusion/hurt/defensiveness/anger within me, only to further attack me by holding my attempt to calmly exit the situation against me.

Now, I don't care anymore. I am not perfect, but I know what I am worth and what I do and do not deserve, and I am not anybody's negro. All the relationships I have are not unconditional, like that old corny Pokemon "Together Forever" song, they're at-will, and if you chronically break the contract of basic respect and responsibility for actions with me, then I am done. We are all adults and human beings suffering with our daily personal battles and psychoses and egos/ids, trying to make the best of the worst historical time right now. The last thing anybody needs is reckless emotional attacks because somebody is too stuck in their own head of self-hurt/victimization that they cannot see that they, themselves, are actually the ones hurting others, and probably destroying relationships in the process.

Love yourself and love each other, but do not love anybody/anything over your beautiful black self. You are not anybody's negro. If somebody slips up and thinks that you are, firmly remind them that you're not. And it's okay to get a little angry if you do, so long as you keep control. :)